Tea can't party.

I'm here, queer and full of existential fear.

Nice to meet you. I'm not sure what to do with this website, but I'll likely write a bit about myself, which I usually avoid.

6 months

Today marks 182 days - or half a year - that've been on HRT for. A month ago I started adding progesterone to my regimen. I feel like there was more noticable body changes in this short time than in the 5 months before.

I'm less moody, less sensitive than I've been (although still more moody & sensitive than before HRT). I'm kind of settling, which is nice.

bureaucracy (an official seal on my declaration paper)

After 43 years and 10 months of having a f*cked up disciminatory, slow & expensive trans law in DE, we will get a new self-id law, usable from Nov 2024 on. 2 years later than intended, worse than originally thought - anyway.

I decided to not wait any longer and used the soon expiring cheat code called PstG §45b. The local registrar was gentle and helpful. Unfortunately this shortcut is still a hassle:

  1. ask house doctor if I can make an appointment for a PstG §45b certificate.

  2. house doctor writes me a PstG §45b certificate (privately: 15 €)

    make appointment with civil registry office

    3. 19 days vacation delay things a bit as well

  3. declare my name & gender entry change (25,90 €)

    it's redirected to my birth office via mail

  4. inquire birth office if I'll get a confirmation
  5. make new ID photo (15 €)

  6. birth office replies they edited the request on 46. but didn't think they should inform me

    ask my municipal office if I need a new birth certificate to apply for a new ID/passport

    apply for a new birth certificate

  7. new birth certificate is sent via mail (13 €)

  8. appointment* for new ID/passport (60,30 €)

    (3 - 5 weeks until I can pick it up)

*appointments in municipal office are booked out for 3 months, if one is lucky, one can snatch an appointment someone else cancelled in the morning of a day.

This process in total cost me: 116,20 €.

Looks like it also takes a while longer than anticipated (about 3 months).

An ideal case would be: Doctor (1-2 days), civil registry office (1-2 days), municipal office (2-3 weeks) = 16-25 days.

However, I had to reach out via e-mail and call multiple times to make sure the electronic confirmation from my birth office to my local office actually took place. You won't be notified.

Also, I went with Theia Luna (and a secret third name).

holiday chic (an official seal on my declaration paper)

When visiting my best friend for vacation, I had a cyclical sadness appear in the evenings: A longing for my girlfriend and yearning to support her in difficult times, reflecting on how a disappearance impacted my life, my ability to trust and my tendency to withdraw, guilty feelings about making my best friend feel inadequate, insecurity about voicing criticism when someone harms me, mourning the lost time in this kafkaesque system and being worried about my health.

But I got attuned. We had a jolly time together, cooking, shopping for doc martens and a judith butler book, giving in to my chicken cravings after years of living plant-based, ghibli films, and photography. We also made pancakes and forgot the microwaved butter,

resulting in the buttercup.

progress (my first HRT prescription had 2mg chlormadinone acetate as a blocker. 1stly, that's the pill. 2ndly, it's anti-androgenic, yes, but I never heard a doc prescribing it over cyproterone acetate for transfems. 3rdly, that's 16x weaker than the recommended entry AA effectiveness)

I dumped the doctor who seemed like they wanted to kill me and went with a doctor trusted in the community. I've been working towards this for years. It could've been so simple if I had known where to ask.

I also have an upcoming appointment with a doctor who will help me to legally change my name faster and cheaper. I'm now sitting on the decision whether to go with Tea or Theia as my legal name.

I'm looking forward to my vacation and to finishing up this project. Life has been a lot, but moving in the best directions!

it's okay to cry (chocolate in a silicone form, looks suspiciously phallic)

The girl I crushed on confessed her love for me and after the reflection time I needed, asked me out. For the first time in years, I'm entering a relationship. I'm rediscovering what it feels to so deeply care about another human and last weekend it made me cry. A lot. She was there for me and made sure I'm well. I'm so glad to have her in my life.

unreleased (A moody brickwall Warehouse interior, three doors in theater-like doorframes. one door on the left. Evening sunlight casts shadows of the metal beams into the warehouse)

I do not like unity. But it's for a secret project. I'm working on a game again!

verbal shutdowns

I get verbal shutdowns lots (squealing, meowing) lately. Particularly since new years. But before too. I think it started with not being able to express my feelings openly. There were a lot of emotions cooking in me so I meowed them away.

And it kinda developed in a way like a language (like I sometimes can express myself better in english), where it is easier and more appropriate to do non-verbal acoustic 'communication'.

Sometimes it gets in the way though.

If we don't tell people how we feel, how will they know?

Mood swing

when I say mood swing, I do not mean that I'm in a bad mood. It means that over days, or even minutes, I'm going from incredibly happy to yearning and sad. It's refreshing to feel.

I'm a plant (a few halfway dying, halfway lush plants on my nightstand)

I currently really feel like a plant, that doesn't want to grow anymore.

That was more than 2 years ago. And curiously, I also felt like a plant again recently.

growing another girl, like gardening a plant

You're watering me like a plant

always checking up on progress

I desperately needed to be watered. I'm growing now. Full of life joy. With a future ahead.

my first girldinner (a can of dr pepper next to me)

Nov 2nd, I finally decided I had enough of blood sacrifices, they didn't seem to work as well as I had expected. So I switched my doc to Dr. Pepper and squirted 2mg of that funny molecule I can draw from memory now onto my arms. Thank you Dr. Pepper.

girldinner, baby

The Silently Playable (a cropped photo of an VHS showing a blue soda machine with a potted plant next to it, red walls, pixelartstyle)

September, it quietly appeared in the magazine Indiepocalypse #44. Nothing much happened. Exhibiting it was nice though. it's not for everyone, but some people really vibe with it and can't stop until they reached the end. Exhibiting is nice, but after a lot of exhaustion, sitting on that couch was infinitely better.

Right now it sits on just above 200 wishlists on Steam. I don't like marketing.